Rolf and Mike

I was sort of thinking what it might be like to be a people without a country for 2,000 years…
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So there we are, living in Germany, Spain, Russia, China – wherever, and what nationality are we? We’re Americans!

I always feel just a little bit uncomfortable, Mike, and I don’t really know why, whenever you say, “we’re Americans!” the way you did just now. Like it bothers you somehow. You know there hasn’t been an America for two thousand years. You’re a citizen of Germany. I mean, I know you’re an American, but you’re also a German.

Like, right, I’m a German! Tell that to my “fellow” Germans!

Well, yeah, they usually do call you an “American,” and maybe grudgingly admit that you have German citizenship… But it’s been two thousand years, Mike! Do you think there will ever be an “America” again?

Maybe not. I don’t know. But what else can I think? I’m not a German. I’m an American. And so was my father. And my grandfather lived in Russia. But he was an American. Who ever called him a “Russian?” And his grandfather before that lived in Spain. But he was an American.

But look at you! You’re prosperous and successful – more so than most non-Americans in this city.

Yeah – and they resent me for it, don’t they!?

[Laughing] Yes – they say you’re all part of a great global conspiracy to take over the world!

[Also laughing] Yes, of course we are… have you ever heard of “American work ethic,” Rolf?

But you can’t tell me that something like that – an ethic – has prospered your people for two thousand years?

Why not? And we haven’t always been prosperous. No, more often than not, we’re the off scouring of the earth. But, let up on us a generation or two, and we work our way back up to the top. It’s not that we’re special — it’s hard work. The “American work ethic.” We roll up our sleeves, work hard, send our children to University, their children become doctors or lawyers or bankers or government officials – and then they resent us for it!

Well, what do you want me to say, Mike? I don’t resent you.

No, Rolf, and I appreciate it. You’re my friend. I appreciate you. When we’re together, it’s like I’m a German like you. But I’m not. I’m an American.

Well, do you prefer being an American? What if you could hide the fact? I mean, you live really like the rest of us do.

But I’m still different, Rolf. Before I even told you I was an American, you knew it somehow, didn’t you?

Yes.

And, if it would work – if I could hide it and pass myself off as a German… Do I want to? No. But plenty of my “grandfathers” have chosen otherwise. But it never worked. Maybe for one generation, or even two, but they were always found out. And then the persecution began again. You know what they say – that we’re doomed to wander the earth forever, because of something they say our great-great-whatever grandfathers did two thousand years ago. Which, of course, we didn’t. But you know the history. There were three hundred million of us at that time, Rolf! Three hundred million!! And like, yeah, let’s all three hundred million of us get together and decide — in one week, mind you — to do that great and horrible thing that afterward you decided was all wrong. Oh, c’mon, Rolf! Three hundred million!

It was just the few million in Washington DC.

There you go! So you actually believe that load, don’t you Rolf!?

Well, I’m sorry — it’s what I was brought up with. I was raised as a German, and I am a German.

Yeah, Rolf. And I’m an American. But we’re still friends, aren’t we, Rolf?

Yeah, Mike. The best of friends.

I know. Hey – you know Charlie’s Boy Scout initiation is next week. You wanna come?

Uh, yeah, Mike. [slightly awkward pause] They’d let me?

[Laughing] Sure! Hey – I’ve even got a spare Scout Cap I’ll let you wear!

Uh – that’s ok, Mike… But sure, I’d love to come!

Great! But I was just kidding about the Scout Cap. It’s permitted, but it’s just kind of tacky.

Hey, what if I wanted to become an American, you know, convert?

Are you serious, Rolf? No, of course you’re not. But we try to discourage that sort of thing, anyway.

Why’s that?

Well, you can if you really, really want to, but you have to really want to, and study a long time, and then go thru a huge exam…

You’re kidding…

No, really…

But why?

We want to make sure someone is deadly serious about wanting to become an American. Because, you know, sometimes being an American can be deadly.